I got up earlier today than I have in MONTHS.

 

All for college placement testing.

 

Otherwise known as the SAT with a different name.

 

So me and Erin are driving down to UNCP but we stop for breakfast at McDonald's of course because their chicken biscuits are to DIE FOR.

They gave us our orange juice in HAPPY MEAL cups. I was thrilled.

 

Once we got to the college we realized fast that we were probably two of the handful of students who didn't bring their parents w.

But that's okay.

Independent.

Woo.

 

So we sign in.

Free T shirt.

I love free stuff.

 

Go to this little room for testing and it's HOT in this room. And there's around 50 of us crammed into it.

We were the only two from Gray's Creek in our testing room.

But we saw students from South View that we recognized.

 

It was basically a shorter SAT. I was pissed because I only wanted to take the fucken SAT twice. I had no desire at all to repeat it.

The good thing was that college placement testing is sooo much easier than the SAT.

Weird huh?

 

So when people say that the SAT is actually harder than freshman college placement tests. . .. they're not lying.

 

We go to eat next and the only person we saw from GC was Travis. Erin spotted him while we were in line of course.

They feed us bowtie paste w. broccili. Which wasn't all that bad surprisingly. They also got this instant ice cream machine. No wonder freshmen pack on 15 lbs.

I'm not getting fat.

NO ice cream.

 

So after lunch me and Erin walked around the campus a bit. But it was really really hot (like 95 degrees) so as we turning back around to head towards the Performing Arts Center some car drives by with two wigger guys in it and they HONK at us. Yelling about an ass.

That would be me they were talking to. . . As Erin doesn't have an ass.

It was gross.

 

So registering for classes went completely different than I thought it would. I thought it would be a one on one session with our advisor. Which I should've known that wouldn't happen seeing as how there was close to 200 freshmen there today.

 

They pass out these little ticket things with dots on em. Right away I notice Erin has a blue dot and I got a . . . red one.

Ohhhhh nooooooo

I was NOT going to be seperated from her and have to hunt all over campus to find her again. She was my ride after all.

So I asked this girl in the row in front of us if she would switch (She just happened to be the chick that was in our testing room WITHOUT a SSN).

She said yes.

 

18 of us get packed into this room (I HAD A LEFT HANDED DESK! Erin noticed it. I was so excited. That desk was fantastic) and we're basically left to figure out what classes to take.

Luckily me and Erin had already looked at the classes before hand so we had somewhat an idea of what we wanted to take.

 

There were only 2 advisors in this room with 18 kids and EVERYONE had questions.

 

I'm thinking about a double major w. journalism and broadcast. And a minor in World Studies.

I need to talk to someone about that. . . I thought that's what I was going to do today but all that woman did was sign the slip so I could go register.

 

The guy beside Erin though placed into Math 221 (as high as you can go) and Eng 104 (remedial english).

Thats a big ass freaking gap yo.

I placed into Eng 105 and Math 105 (I don't know how I did that w. math. I only really knew 19 problems).

 

So me and Erin figured out our schedules.

We're good like that.

We have all the same classes except one.

 

I'm kinda worried that we might get tired of each other and our friendship will be ruined like what others said.

I hope not.

. . .

But I'm still worried about it.

 

To speed things up a bit cuz my hands are tired of typing and no one is going to read this much about damn placement testing. . .

 

ID picture is going to SUCK! they should've done pictures first but it was almost last. So the picture is going to be terrible.

 

We got honked at by another college guy.

 

And I think our dorm room will have bunk beds so we'll have more room.

 

I'm ready to talk to my Nickolas about all this .. . He went to bed early. Work tomorrow for him. . . .

 

I'm ready to go see him.

Like bad.

Under two weeks before I leave for Chicago.

I can't wait.

 

ps - -- and i have enough time in my schedule to get a job too! woo. money.

I hate being poor.

 

When your parents live from check to check, w. no extra money, in a house that no one should be living in. . .

 

When you grow up in a state of not getting everything you want. . . Where you wreck your car and you KNOW it'll be years before you get another one. And that one you will have to buy on your own.

 

When you bum cell phone usage off of your best friend.

 

When your power gets cut off at least once every three months for weeks at a time.

And always at the most embarrassing times (Like when your long distance amour is in town)

 

When your siblings get picked on at school because they have holes in their shoes.

 

When you own FOUR pairs of jeans.

And even those are wearing out.

 

When all you can dream about is getting out and starting over.

And never being like your parents.

 

. . .

 

I love my parents.

My mom busts her ass at a job she loves that pays her shit (teaching). She's the least selfish of the two.

My dad just thinks about his truck.

 

But she does w.o new clothes. Wears clothes from the Christian store down the street that make her look 20 years older than she really is.

Just so me and my siblings have new clothes.

Have what we need to start school.

 

There's got to be more to life than this.

 

Than this constant state of poverty.

 

Than the almost bare cabinets and the holes in the floor. The leaking ceilings and the wallpapers that's peeling off the walls.

 

Why do I feel like getting out of NC will save me from this? Why does running away from where I grew up make me feel better? Why does the idea, the planning, of going places no one in my family has been make me feel like I'm accomplishing my dreams?

 

My dreams have changed since last year.

 

I no longer just dream of being that successful journalist in a big city making lots of money and living comfortably.

 

Now I dream of escaping what I grew up in.

Of never being like my parents.

I want to place myself in a completely different setting. . . In hopes that I might make a life for me that my parents couldn't make for themselves.

Not in an attempt to shut them out, no.

 

I call it an attempt to become everything I ever wanted while growing up.

I want to give the children I might one day everything I didn't get.

I want them to be spoiled rotten by parents who would do anything for them.

To never be picked on (Even though I can't say I have been. I haven't)

To never feel embarrassed by where and what they live in and at.

 

My mom can say she's insulted by Nick asking if he's my ticket out of NC.

 

He doesn't have to be my ticket.

 

I'll get out regardless.

 

But I sure would love his company along the way.

So the most interesting thing to happen today was me doing my eyebrows.

 

I thought today was Wednesday.

 

Which means that I would have Placement testing at the college tomorrow. If today was of course Wednesday. I did my eyebrows because I didn't want my ID picture to have me w. bushy eyebrows.

 

But today's actually Tuesday.

 

Ain't that some shit?

 

. . . Other than that. . . Last night Chad said he wanted to switch girlfriends w. Nick. He was just bullshittin.

But I told Nick and he got jealous.

Told Nette to keep her boyfriend away from me because he ain't playin that shit.

 

Nick never gets jealous.

 

How cute.

 

A possessive Nick.

 

growl . .. . . . . .

So. . . My freshman year of college is totally paid for. We went down there today and talked to someone about financial aid. Found out I'm eligble for at least another possible $4000.

Apparently that's one worry off my mother's mind.

 

Bought the tickets to Chicago today.

I leave on July 6. Come back on July 17.

I cannot wait.

I miss my Nickolas sooo much.

He did promise today to make me scream . . . It was actually supposed to be a threat. But since when do people go o0o0o0o over threats? lol

 

Erin said last night she wants to live next to me and Nick so in the morning she can go get her paper and Nick can get ours and she's gonna say (every morning) "Hola Senor"

ahahaha that's hilarious

Nick said he's gonna look at her and say (in spanish i dk how to spell it or i would) "shut up clown"

ahahahahahaha

. . .

i love it

 

Nick asked me what my parents thought about him. If they thought he was my ticket out of here.

I told him they do think that.

And I told him that I want him to be my ticket out.

 

No need to go on about how badly I want out of this hole.

 

I love the South

But it just ain't cuttin it no more.

 

- - - -  Thoughts On Religion

I seem to touch base on the same subjects an awful lot . . .

CarolinaBlu2010: and you know . ..
CarolinaBlu2010: i didnt apologize or ask forgiveness for having premarital sex.
CarolinaBlu2010: i see no point in asking forgiveness for something i know im gonna do again. and for something i dont regret.
CarolinaBlu2010: its like saying what i did is wrong. but i dont think it is. so im not asking forgiveness
NetteBette: yea i understand what your sayin
CarolinaBlu2010: just doesnt make sense to me to ask forgiveness for something i dont feel bad for.
CarolinaBlu2010: you know i was raised in church but in the past few months ive grown to not see the point.
NetteBette: yea..im almost to the same point...but i just dont wanna be athiest and not believe that there is something to look forward to...if there is nothing to look forward to, then what is the point of living
CarolinaBlu2010: i wouldnt say im taking an atheist pov. im leaning more towards agnostic. b.c i dk what the fuck is goin on. and i dont really have an opinion.
CarolinaBlu2010: im not a holyroller
CarolinaBlu2010: i dont hate christians
CarolinaBlu2010: but i dont see the point of being stuck in religion just b.c i dont know whats coming
CarolinaBlu2010: religion is a comfort
CarolinaBlu2010: it doesnt save your life. it gives you a conscious. makes you comfortable w. death.

Boo.

Father's Day morning - I'm killing sleep. The phone rings. It's Skye of course. . . Dragging me to church.

Church was. . . same as always. I didn't want to go.

I've found over the past few months that I simply cannot barely stand hearing the Bible preached at me. I don't see the need in repenting for sins that I don't regret and for sins that I know I'll do again.

Premarital sex...Stealing....Cussing...Lying. . .

It's things I know I'm going to do again and I don't really regret.

I've lost my reasoning behind sitting in a church pew every Sunday morning praying to a God that I can't help but question.

Questioning God - Another sin to add to my growing list. . .

But really if you think about it, wasn't religion created mainly to answer the questions that man cannot answer? Like why we're here. How we got here. What we do while we're here. Why we die. What happens after we die.

 

Religion isn't enough for some people. Faith isn't enough for some people. Which is weird because if you don't have faith in God you shouldn't have faith in love or in another person.

 

I guess my point is that I really don't know what to believe anymore.

Agnostic???

I've been going to church my whole life. I was saved and baptized at 13. I've been to church camps more than I can count and I'm going to one at the end of July. But I'm not going to get closer to God...I'm going to get closer to the friends I haven't spent much time w. in the past year or so.

 

I'm beginning to think I have no idea where religion will take me and what it's purpose in my life is.

 

. . . .

 

Also I hate being caught in the middle of Skye and Lynnette's issues.

 

Chad told Skye last night EVERYTHING he thought about her now. Skye thinks he got some things mixed up because she was nothing but nice to him and can't help her mother's opinion. She blames Lynnette.

I blame myself. Because it was me who told Lynnette what Skye said and Nette's accepting my word on this.

 

I'm basically the go between.

 

I don't want to choose sides.

I love em both.

But I have always been closer to Lynnette, even though I've known both BJ and Skye longer.

 

Skye says Lynnette lied to me about what she told Tommy. But why would she lie about that? Skye told me not to bring up old shit but I've got to ask Lynnette to tell me the truth.

And I've got to tell Blair who told Tommy.

 

DRAMA

 

I hate it.

 

You'd think this kind of shit would end w. high school. But noooooooo

 

. . .

 

Pembroke today.

I think.

Maybe Angela will buy my ticket.

Me and Mom already arguing.

This day is bound to be FAB U LOUS. . .